As we journey together, I will unfold more of my story, but suffice it say, I was in a period of my life where I had lost hope. I once heard Dr Anita Phillips, who is “my mentor in my head,” share a message where she explained that it’s not that you have lost hope, because you have belief in a possibility for others, you’ve lost faith, because you don’t believe for yourself. That almost sucked the air out of the room and left me shook for a moment.
I was in a relationship that was very unhealthy and afterward, I said, welp, I ain’t mad. I resolved that it was what it was, and now, it ain’t what it ain’t. I’m going to lick my wounds and move on. Who’s been there?
That's ok. Identification of an issue and making decisions about the issue are necessary steps. Know that the situation is unhealthy and move away from harm. Only then can healing begin. I started a healing journey to correct things in myself that made me stay too long even when the signs said STOP, YIELD and REROUTING….
Unfortunately, it took a VERY long time to realize that I was trying to do a level of healing but not get all the way down to the root. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you" (English Standard Version). I actually needed to see the big God of heaven, as MY father and MY friend. Someone that I didn’t just pray to, but that I actually talked to and told how I felt. I had to tell God, not as a father but as my dad, that I felt like I got a bad deal. That I had really tried, but it sucked because I didn't feel the other person tried as much and I didn’t think I got what I deserved. I also didn’t feel protected because I felt like God as my Father should have come to my rescue. There, I said it. I had not been harboring bitterness and resentment per se, but this was definitely a block that was keeping me from growing. The path to growth was blocked with mistrust.
According to Merriam-Webster, some of the definitions of faith include: allegiance to duty or a person; fidelity (faithfulness) to one’s promises; belief and trust in and loyalty to God. I thought I was loyal to God in this relationship, but there was no allegiance or faithfulness to me. I know, it reeks of terrible pride, but that's how I felt and I needed to say it. And He could handle my questions and my erroneous thoughts.
What God began to allow me to realize was that no human can maintain absolute faithfulness and loyalty; only He can do that. Humans also have free will. God can be faithful to us, but we also have to choose faithfulness to Him. And since we as humans can’t keep that faithfulness, we do our best and allow Him to do the rest. It may mean that everything does not go according to our plan, but it does go according to God's plan. His plan is not short-sighted and can be trusted.
I had to confront an ugly reality that I didn’t want to admit. Because of my proximity to my circumstances, I thought I was the only one qualified and capable of being trusted to keep myself safe. That meant that I was very closed off and not allowing even God to show up in my life in ways He desired to. I had been white-knuckling my life for a long time and I needed to let go… Then I finally came to see all the ways that I was even holding myself back due to this fear and lack of trust. The self that I thought was the only REAL ONE that could be trusted had actually locked me into my own prison too…
I'm not suggesting that this process is easy, but I am saying that it is easier than my plan or yours because inevitably there are aspects that are impacting our plan that we never even realize. In Matthew 11:30, Jesus says, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" (English Standard Version). Relative to our plan and ability to execute, His burden is much lighter! Just try Him, He’s free! And hey, if you feel He's not for you, you can always go back. But the mental and emotional weight of the burden just might feel heavier once you’ve shared that load. Let me know how it goes…